Why We Need to Stop Saying "They’re in a Better Place"

When someone we care about is drowning in the raw, suffocating waves of a fresh loss, our natural human instinct is to throw them a lifeline.

We want to ease their pain. We want to offer comfort. We want to find the magical combination of words that will somehow make their shattered world feel a little less broken.

Too often, however, the lifeline we throw sounds like this:

“At least they aren't suffering anymore.”

“They’re in a better place now.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

These words are usually spoken with the gentlest of intentions. But when someone is grieving, a well-intentioned platitude can sometimes feel less like a comforting embrace and more like an emotional roadblock.Research on bereavement support suggests that grieving people may experience platitudes, avoidance, unsolicited advice, and attempts to hurry or “fix” grief as unhelpful. What people often describe as more supportive is much simpler: being present, listening, accepting their emotions, remembering the person who died, and offering practical help (Cacciatore et al., 2021; Smith et al., 2020).

At Authentic Living London, we believe in honoring the messy, unfiltered truth of the human experience. Grief isn't simply a problem to be solved. It is a profound response to losing someone—or something—to whom we were deeply attached.

So let's explore why it may be time to retire the cliché “they're in a better place” and what we can say instead.

4 Reasons “They’re in a Better Place” May Hurt More Than It Helps

1. It Can Invalidate the Pain of the Person Who Is Still Here

When we tell someone their loved one is in a “better place,” we may unintentionally shift the conversation away from the reality of their pain.

The grieving person may not need reassurance that their loved one is at peace.

They may be thinking about the empty chair at the dinner table.

The unopened text message they can no longer send.

The birthday that will never be celebrated together.

The voice they will never hear again.

Knowing that someone is no longer suffering does not erase the pain of losing them.

And grief is not the same for everyone. Research following bereaved people over time has identified several different grief trajectories. While most people gradually adapt to their loss, some experience persistently high or otherwise difficult grief symptoms (Nielsen et al., 2019).

In other words, there is no single “correct” way to grieve.

Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can say is simply:

“I know how much you miss them.”

2. It Can Impose Meaning Before Someone Is Ready for It

For some grieving people, faith and spirituality are an important source of comfort. For others, statements about heaven, an afterlife, or a “better place” may not fit their beliefs at all.

And even when someone does share those beliefs, they may not want to reach for them in the middle of overwhelming pain.

Bereavement can disrupt a person's sense of identity, relationships, meaning, and assumptions about how the world works. Research on meaning reconstruction describes grief as a process in which people may gradually try to make sense of what happened and reconstruct meaning in the aftermath of loss (Neimeyer, 2019).

That is very different from someone else handing them an explanation.

A spiritual belief can be comforting when it comes from the grieving person.

It can feel very different when it is imposed on them.

So rather than assuming what someone believes, follow their lead.

If they want to talk about heaven, talk about heaven.

If they want to talk about the person who died, talk about the person who died.

If they want to say, “I don't understand why this happened,” you don't have to give them an answer.

You can simply say:

“I don't understand it either. I'm here with you.”

3. It Can Make People Feel They Need to Hide Their Grief

One of the greatest gifts we can offer someone who is grieving is permission to be honest.

Grief doesn't always look like sadness.

It can look like anger.

Numbness.

Guilt.

Relief.

Confusion.

An inability to concentrate.

A sudden burst of laughter followed by tears.

Or feeling absolutely nothing at all.

Research into bereavement and social disconnection suggests that people's perceptions of how others respond to their grief can be connected with psychological distress. In particular, negative interpretations of other people's reactions to expressions of grief were identified as an important aspect of social disconnection (Smith et al., 2020).

That matters.

Because if someone senses that their grief is making other people uncomfortable, they may start editing themselves.

They might stop talking about the person who died.

They might stop admitting that they are having a terrible day.

They might put on a brave face because they don't want to hear another version of “You have to move on.”

Research specifically examining what bereaved people experience as helpful and unhelpful found that participants described platitudes, rushing grief, avoidance, judgment, and unsolicited advice as unsupportive. Listening, presence, acceptance, remembering the deceased, and practical assistance were among the behaviours described as supportive (Cacciatore et al., 2021).

People don't necessarily need us to make their grief smaller.

They need somewhere safe enough to bring it.

4. It Can Create Pressure to “Move On”

There is no universal timetable for grief.

Some people experience intense grief immediately and gradually feel more able to live alongside their loss. Others experience a more complicated or prolonged course. Research has found substantial variation in grief trajectories over time (Nielsen et al., 2019).

This is important because grief doesn't necessarily disappear.

It changes.

And sometimes it comes roaring back.

A smell.

A song.

A photograph.

A familiar restaurant.

A birthday.

A holiday.

Five years after a death, someone can still suddenly find themselves missing that person with an intensity that takes their breath away.

That doesn't necessarily mean they have failed to heal.

It means the relationship mattered.

Moving From “Fixing” to “Witnessing”

Why do we reach so quickly for phrases like “they're in a better place”?

Sometimes, it's because we genuinely want to help.

And sometimes, it's because we don't know how to sit with pain we cannot fix.

When someone we love is hurting, our own discomfort can become part of the conversation. We want to make the sadness go away because watching someone suffer makes us feel helpless.

But grief isn't always something another person can fix.

Sometimes, the most valuable thing we can offer is our willingness to stay.

Research into grief support points toward the importance of emotional support, presence, listening, acceptance, and practical assistance rather than trying to force a particular emotional outcome (Cacciatore et al., 2021).

Think of it this way:

Fixing says: “How can I make this better?”

Witnessing says: “I am here. You don't have to go through this moment alone.”

Witnessing means pulling up a chair and sitting in the dark with someone without trying to turn on the lights before they're ready.

It means allowing them to be devastated, angry, confused, or numb without immediately trying to change how they feel.

You don't need to have the perfect answer.

You don't even need the right words.

Sometimes, your presence is the answer.

What to Say Instead

If you want to support a friend, family member, colleague, or family member who is grieving, try replacing clichés with words that acknowledge their reality.

Instead of:

“They're in a better place now.”

Try:

“I'm so incredibly sorry. I know how much you love them.”

This keeps the focus on the relationship and the depth of the loss.

Instead of:

“You need to stay strong.”

Try:

“You don't have to be strong around me. You can be exactly where you are.”

This gives them permission to be honest rather than perform strength for other people.

Instead of:

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Try:

“I don't know why this happened. But I'm here with you.”

You don't have to manufacture an explanation for something that feels inexplicable.

Instead of:

“At least they aren't suffering anymore.”

Try:

“This is so incredibly hard. I know how much you're hurting.”

You can acknowledge reality without trying to make the loss sound positive.

Instead of:

“Let me know if you need anything.”

Try:

“I'm bringing dinner over Thursday night. You don't need to answer the door. I'll leave it on the porch.”

Practical help can remove decisions and responsibilities at a time when even ordinary tasks may feel overwhelming. Bereaved participants in research described practical assistance, including food and help with everyday responsibilities, as supportive (Cacciatore et al., 2021).

And sometimes, don't say anything at all.

Sit beside them.

Make tea.

Take the dog for a walk.

Listen to the same story for the tenth time.

Say the person's name.

Remember them.

Research on continuing bonds suggests that maintaining a connection with someone who has died—for example, through memories and other continuing forms of connection—can be meaningful and potentially adaptive for some bereaved people (Hewson et al., 2024).

You don't have to erase the person who died in order to support the person who is grieving.

You can remember them together.

You Don't Have to Grieve “Correctly”

There is no prize for making grief look tidy.

There is no gold star for getting through it quickly.

And there is no requirement to turn a devastating loss into a life lesson before you're ready.

Grief can change us. It can disrupt our sense of identity, our relationships, and the meaning we once made of our lives (Neimeyer, 2019).

For many people, the intensity of grief gradually changes over time. For others, grief can remain particularly intense or interfere significantly with everyday life. When that happens, professional support may be helpful (Nielsen et al., 2019).

Most importantly, needing support doesn't mean you're grieving incorrectly.

It means you're human.

Finding a Safe Space to Grieve

If you are carrying a loss that feels too heavy to bear alone, you don't have to perform strength here.

At Authentic Living London, our therapists provide a compassionate, judgment-free space to help you navigate the complex reality of loss.

We won't give you clichés.

We won't tell you to “look on the bright side.”

And we won't tell you how quickly you should be feeling better.

We'll simply walk alongside you, honoring your story and making space for whatever your grief looks like.

Because sometimes healing doesn't begin with finding the right answer.

Sometimes it begins with finally having somewhere safe enough to tell the truth.

References

Cacciatore, J., Thieleman, K., Fretts, R., & Jackson, L. B. (2021). What is good grief support? Exploring the actors and actions in social support after traumatic grief. PLOS ONE, 16(5), e0252324. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0252324

Hewson, H., Galbraith, N., Jones, C., & Heath, G. (2024). The impact of continuing bonds following bereavement: A systematic review. Death Studies, 48(10), 1001–1014. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2023.2223593

Neimeyer, R. A. (2019). Meaning reconstruction in bereavement: Development of a research program. Death Studies, 43(2), 79–91. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2018.1456620

Nielsen, M. K., Carlsen, A. H., Neergaard, M. A., Bidstrup, P. E., & Guldin, M.-B. (2019). Looking beyond the mean in grief trajectories: A prospective, population-based cohort study. Social Science & Medicine, 232, 460–469. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2018.10.007

Smith, K. V., Wild, J., & Ehlers, A. (2020). The masking of mourning: Social disconnection after bereavement and its role in psychological distress. Clinical Psychological Science, 8(3), 464–476. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702620902748