Understanding Trauma Bonds: Why It’s So Hard to Let Go

When people look at an unhealthy or abusive relationship from the outside, they may wonder why the person does not simply leave. From the inside, however, the situation can be much more complicated.

People experiencing intimate partner violence may face fear, coercive control, emotional dependence, financial barriers, isolation, threats, or concerns about what could happen if they leave. Relationships involving abuse can also contain periods of affection, remorse, connection, or apparent change. These contrasting experiences can make it difficult to understand the relationship clearly or decide what to do next (Stark & Hester, 2019; Sharp-Jeffs et al., 2018).

At Authentic Living London, we help people understand these patterns with compassion and without judgment. Healing begins with understanding what a trauma bond is, why it forms, and how therapy can help you break free.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

Trauma bonding generally refers to an attachment that develops in the context of repeated harm and periods of positive connection or relief.

The relationship may alternate between experiences such as:

• Affection and rejection

• Apologies and renewed conflict

• Emotional closeness and withdrawal

• Promises of change and repeated harmful behaviour

• Support and control

  
  

This inconsistency can create significant emotional confusion. A person may recognize that a relationship is harmful while still feeling strongly attached to the person causing the harm.

Research examining trauma bonding has identified several recurring characteristics, including a power imbalance, alternating positive and negative interactions, self-blame, and the internalization of the abusive person's perspective (Casassa et al., 2022).

It is important to understand that experiencing this kind of attachment does not mean someone is weak or incapable of making decisions. Relationships involving coercion and abuse can significantly affect a person's sense of choice, safety, and self-trust.

What Can Trauma Bonding Feel Like?

People experiencing these dynamics may notice that they:

• Minimize or rationalize harmful behaviour

• Feel responsible for the other person's actions

• Hope that the relationship will return to an earlier, more positive period

• Feel conflicted about leaving

• Experience significant distress when attempting to create distance

• Remain focused on the other person's promises or potential for change

• Feel isolated from friends or family

• Doubt their own perceptions or judgment

• Find themselves returning to the relationship despite previous intentions to leave

These experiences can occur alongside anxiety, depression, posttraumatic stress symptoms, and other psychological effects associated with intimate partner violence (Micklitz et al., 2024; Trevillion et al., 2020).

How Trauma Bonds Can Develop

One factor discussed in the trauma-bonding literature is intermittent reinforcement—a pattern in which positive experiences occur unpredictably among negative or harmful experiences.

For example, a partner may behave abusively and later become affectionate, apologetic, or attentive. The positive period may provide hope that the relationship has changed, even when the larger pattern remains harmful.

Research on trauma bonding in situations of exploitation has identified alternating positive and negative interactions as an important feature of these relationships (Casassa et al., 2022).

Coercive control can make these dynamics even more difficult to navigate. Coercive control involves patterns of behaviour that restrict another person's autonomy and freedom. These behaviours can include intimidation, isolation, monitoring, threats, manipulation, and controlling access to resources. Research has linked coercive control with greater danger and more extensive experiences of intimate partner violence (Dichter et al., 2018; Stark & Hester, 2019).

Why Leaving Can Be So Difficult

Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely a single decision made in isolation.

A person may be weighing emotional attachment alongside concerns about housing, finances, children, social support, physical safety, or what their partner might do if they leave. Coercive control can also reduce a person's perceived ability to make independent decisions and create significant barriers to separation (Sharp-Jeffs et al., 2018; Stark & Hester, 2019).

Psychological entrapment may also contribute. Recent research describes how abusive partners can foster self-doubt, feelings of unworthiness, and uncertainty about whether leaving is possible or preferable. People may cope with an abusive situation by minimizing, normalizing, or reframing harmful behaviour, particularly when they perceive few viable alternatives (2026).

This can help explain why someone may return to a relationship, defend their partner, or struggle to make sense of what is happening.

These responses should not be interpreted as evidence that someone wants to be abused. They can represent attempts to cope with a complicated and potentially unsafe situation.

The Role of Previous Trauma

Previous experiences can influence how people understand relationships, attachment, conflict, and safety. Research has identified associations between childhood adversity, complex trauma, attachment patterns, and later experiences of intimate partner violence (Speranza et al., 2022).

However, it is important not to assume that someone who experienced childhood trauma will develop a trauma bond or enter an abusive relationship. There is no single psychological explanation for why someone remains in an abusive relationship.

Relationship dynamics, social circumstances, access to resources, personality, history, safety concerns, and many other factors can intersect.

What Healing Can Involve

Recovery from an abusive relationship is individual and may take time. Therapy can provide a place to understand what happened, strengthen self-trust, and develop strategies that support emotional and physical safety.

Depending on the person's circumstances, therapy may involve:

Recognizing the Pattern

Understanding the difference between isolated relationship difficulties and patterns of abuse, manipulation, coercion, or control can help make confusing experiences easier to understand.

Rebuilding Self-Trust

Repeated criticism, gaslighting, manipulation, or coercive control can affect a person's confidence in their own perceptions. Therapy can help someone reconnect with their thoughts, feelings, values, and boundaries.

Processing Trauma

Some survivors experience symptoms of PTSD, depression, anxiety, or other forms of psychological distress. Evidence suggests that appropriately designed psychological interventions can help reduce some of these symptoms among people who have experienced intimate partner violence (Micklitz et al., 2024; Trevillion et al., 2020).

Developing Boundaries

Therapy can help people identify what they consider acceptable in relationships and develop ways of communicating and maintaining boundaries that are appropriate to their circumstances.

Strengthening Support

Isolation can be an important component of coercive control. Reconnecting with supportive friends, family members, community resources, or professionals can help reduce isolation and increase access to practical and emotional support. Research suggests that interventions aimed at strengthening social support can improve mental health outcomes among survivors of intimate partner violence (Trabold et al., 2020).

Therapy Does Not Mean Telling Someone What to Do

When someone is experiencing abuse, therapy should not become another environment in which they feel controlled.

A trauma- and violence-informed approach emphasizes safety, choice, collaboration, and respect for the person's circumstances. The therapist's role is to help the individual understand their experiences, identify options, and strengthen their ability to make informed decisions.

This is particularly important when coercive control is present. Research emphasizes the complexity of intimate partner violence and the importance of considering the broader circumstances surrounding a person's choices and safety (Wathen & Mantler, 2022).

What About Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy is not automatically appropriate when abuse or coercive control is present.

When one partner is afraid of the other, information shared in therapy could potentially increase risk or retaliation outside the therapy room. Assessment of safety and the nature of the relationship dynamics is therefore important before considering joint treatment.

Research has found that couples therapy may be appropriate in selected circumstances involving intimate partner violence, but the evidence is limited and careful assessment is essential (Karakurt et al., 2016).

When coercive control or significant safety concerns are present, individual support and specialized intimate partner violence resources may be more appropriate.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can provide a space to explore experiences that may have been difficult to discuss elsewhere.

Depending on the person's needs, therapy may support:

• Understanding patterns of abuse and coercive control

• Processing trauma-related symptoms

• Managing anxiety, shame, grief, or confusion

• Rebuilding confidence and self-trust

• Identifying personal boundaries

• Strengthening healthy support systems

• Developing coping strategies

• Exploring relationship choices without judgment

• Supporting adjustment after separation

• Identifying additional safety or community resources when appropriate

  
  

Research on psychosocial interventions for intimate partner violence survivors suggests that psychological and advocacy-based interventions can improve some mental health and psychosocial outcomes, although effects vary and no single approach works for everyone (Micklitz et al., 2024; Trabold et al., 2020).

You Are Not Alone

If you recognize some of these patterns in your own relationship, you do not need to have everything figured out before seeking support.

A therapist can help you make sense of what you have experienced and explore what support might be appropriate for your circumstances. If there are concerns about immediate safety, specialized intimate partner violence services and safety planning should be part of the conversation.

At Authentic Living London, our therapists provide compassionate, trauma-informed support for people navigating difficult relationship experiences. Therapy can be a place to understand the patterns you have experienced, rebuild your sense of self, and consider what you want your relationships to look like moving forward.

If you are ready to talk, we invite you to reach out to Authentic Living London to arrange a consultation.

References

Casassa, K., Knight, L., & Mengo, C. (2022). Trauma bonding perspectives from service providers and survivors of sex trafficking: A scoping review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 23(3), 969–984. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838020985542

Dichter, M. E., Thomas, K. A., Crits-Christoph, P., Ogden, S. N., & Rhodes, K. V. (2018). Coercive control in intimate partner violence: Relationship with women's experience of violence, use of violence, and danger. Psychology of Violence, 8(5), 596–604. https://doi.org/10.1037/vio0000158

Karakurt, G., Whiting, K., van Esch, C., Bolen, S. D., & Calabrese, J. R. (2016). Couples therapy for intimate partner violence: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(4), 567–583. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12178

Micklitz, H. M., Glass, C. M., Bengel, J., & Sander, L. B. (2024). Efficacy of psychosocial interventions for survivors of intimate partner violence: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25(2), 1000–1017. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380231169481

Sharp-Jeffs, N., Kelly, L., & Klein, R. (2018). Long journeys toward freedom: The relationship between coercive control and space for action—Measurement and emerging evidence. Violence Against Women, 24(2), 163–185. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077801216686199

Speranza, A. M., Farina, B., Bossa, C., Fortunato, A., Maggiora Vergano, C., Palmiero, L., Quintigliano, M., & Liotti, M. (2022). The role of complex trauma and attachment patterns in intimate partner violence. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, Article 769584. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.769584

Stark, E., & Hester, M. (2019). Coercive control: Update and review. Violence Against Women, 25(1), 81–104. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077801218816191

Trabold, N., McMahon, J., Alsobrooks, S., Whitney, S., & Mittal, M. (2020). A systematic review of intimate partner violence interventions: State of the field and implications for practitioners. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 21(2), 311–325. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838018767934

Trevillion, K., Oram, S., Feder, G., & Howard, L. M. (2020). Psychological therapies for women who experience intimate partner violence. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews, 2020(7), Article CD013017. https://doi.org/10.1002/14651858.CD013017.pub2

Wathen, C. N., & Mantler, T. (2022). Trauma- and violence-informed care: Orienting intimate partner violence interventions to equity. Current Epidemiology Reports, 9(4), 233–244. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40471-022-00307-7