Talking to Children About Death and Loss

Talking to a child about death can be one of the hardest conversations a parent or caregiver will ever have. You may be grieving yourself while trying to figure out what your child understands, what you should say, and how much information is too much.

Whether the person who died was a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend, or someone else your child loved, there is no perfect script for explaining death. Children understand loss differently depending on their age, development, personality, previous experiences, and the circumstances surrounding the death. Their understanding can also change over time as they grow and develop. (Alvis et al., 2022; Fry et al., 2026)

What children often need most is not a perfect explanation. They need a trusted adult who is willing to answer their questions honestly, tolerate some difficult emotions, and keep coming back to the conversation as their understanding changes.

Why Talking Honestly About Death Matters

It can be tempting to avoid talking about death because you are afraid that discussing it will make a child more frightened. In reality, children are often already trying to make sense of what they have noticed. They may hear adults talking, sense that something is different, see someone crying, or encounter death through books, television, social media, or conversations with other children.

Research suggests that children develop their understanding of death through both direct experiences and the ways adults and their communities talk about it. Open, supportive conversations can help children develop a more accurate understanding of what death means, while limited or confusing information can leave them trying to fill in the gaps themselves (Fry et al., 2026; Rosengren et al., 2020).

That does not mean you need to have a long conversation all at once. In fact, it is often more helpful to think of talking about death as a series of conversations. A child may ask one question today, seem uninterested tomorrow, and then return to the subject weeks or months later.

Start With Clear, Simple Language

When talking with children about death, clear language is usually kinder than euphemisms.

Phrases such as “Grandma went to sleep” or “We lost Grandpa” may seem gentler, but young children can interpret them literally. A child who hears that someone “went to sleep” may become frightened of sleeping or wonder when the person will wake up.

Instead, you can use simple words such as:

“Grandma died. Her body stopped working, and she cannot come back.”

The amount of explanation you provide can depend on what the child is asking. You do not need to give every detail about an illness, accident, or medical treatment immediately. Answer the question they actually asked, then give them an opportunity to ask more.

Children can understand important aspects of death earlier than previously assumed. Current developmental research identifies three core ideas that children gradually develop: that death involves the body stopping its biological functioning, that death is irreversible, and that death is universal. Other aspects, such as understanding personal mortality and the causes of death, develop in more complicated ways (Fry et al., 2026).

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  You do not need to have perfect answers. What matters most is responding with honesty, empathy, and reassurance.

https://youtu.be/nwVTU8Sb4y8

Grief Therapist, Gabrielle Ferguson, gives a few tips on talking to kids about death.

What If Your Child Asks, “Why Did They Die?”

Children often want to understand what caused the death. Their questions may be straightforward, or they may ask the same question repeatedly.

Try to give an honest explanation that is appropriate for their level of understanding.

If someone died after an illness, you might say:

“Grandpa had a very serious illness. The doctors tried to help him, but eventually his body became too sick to keep working.”

If the death was sudden or accidental, you can explain what happened without giving unnecessary graphic details.

If you do not know the answer, it is completely acceptable to say, “I don't know.” You can add, “That's something I wonder about too.”

Children do not need adults to know everything. They need adults who are willing to be truthful with them.

“Where Did They Go?”

Questions about what happens after death can be especially difficult because the answer often depends on a family's spiritual, cultural, or religious beliefs.

You might say:

“Different people have different beliefs about what happens after someone dies. In our family, we believe that ______.”

If your family does not have a particular belief, you can say that too:

“I'm not sure what happens after we die. People have different ideas about it, and it's something people have wondered about for a very long time.”

Children may also ask where the person's body is, whether they can still hear them, or whether they can visit the cemetery. These questions can be answered honestly and simply.

There is no need to impose certainty where you do not have it.

“Will You Die Too?”

After someone dies, children may become frightened that another person they love will die next. This can be especially strong after a sudden or unexpected death.

Reassurance is important, but it is best to avoid promises you cannot make.

You might say:

“Everyone dies eventually, but most people live for a very long time. I am healthy right now, and I expect to be here with you for a long time. There are lots of adults who take care of you, and you are safe right now.”

If the death occurred because of a specific illness or circumstance, explain that the same situation is not automatically going to happen to everyone.

Children often need reassurance more than once. A question such as “Are you going to die?” may not be asking for new information. It may be a way of checking whether the world still feels safe.

“Was It My Fault?”

Children can sometimes believe they caused a death, particularly when they are young and do not fully understand how events are connected.

A child may remember having an argument with someone who died, feeling angry at them, or saying something like, “I wish you would go away.” They may later wonder whether their words somehow made the death happen.

If this happens, be direct:

“No. You did not cause them to die. Nothing you said, thought, or did made this happen.”

Do not assume that a child will automatically understand this. If guilt returns later, reassure them again.

“Can We See Them Again?”

The answer will depend partly on your family's beliefs, but children may also be asking a very practical question about what happens now.

You can explain that although they cannot see the person in the same way anymore, there are ways of maintaining a connection with their memory.

You might look at photographs together, tell stories, visit a meaningful place, listen to music the person loved, make a memory box, or create a drawing or letter.

Research on children's understanding of death suggests that cultural practices, conversations, and rituals can all play a role in how children make sense of loss (Rosengren et al., 2020).

“Why Are You Crying?”

Children may be unsettled when they see a parent or caregiver crying. Some may become worried that the adult is not okay. Others may try to take care of the adult by hiding their own feelings.

It is okay for your child to see you grieve.

You might say:

“I'm crying because I miss Grandma and I'm sad that she died. I'm okay, and I'm here with you. Sometimes people cry when someone they love dies.”

This gives your child two important messages at the same time: grief is real, and adults can experience strong emotions without children having to take responsibility for making them better.

Children take cues from the adults around them, which is one reason the caregiving environment is so important after a death (Alvis et al., 2022).

Children Grieve Differently

One of the most important things for parents to know is that children do not necessarily grieve in the same way adults do.

A child might cry intensely and then want to play five minutes later. Another may become unusually quiet. A teenager might want to talk constantly, while another barely wants to discuss the death at all.

These differences do not automatically mean that one child is grieving more deeply than another.

Children may move between grief and ordinary activities as they try to understand what has happened. Play, school, friendships, sports, humour, creativity, and everyday routines can all coexist with sadness.

Grief can also change as a child grows. A six-year-old may understand a death differently at ten, and a teenager may revisit the loss with new questions years later. Developmental stage influences how children experience and express grief, but age alone does not determine what a child's grief will look like (Alvis et al., 2022).

Talking With Younger Children

For toddlers and preschool-aged children, keep explanations concrete and uncomplicated.

You might say:

“Grandpa died. His body stopped working, and he cannot come back.”

Young children may ask the same question many times. This does not necessarily mean that they are not listening. Repetition can be part of how they gradually understand something that is difficult to comprehend.

Maintaining familiar routines can also help provide a sense of security. If possible, let the child know who will pick them up from school, where they will sleep, and which adults will be caring for them.

Books can also provide a gentle way into difficult conversations. Research examining children's books about death found that storybooks can be useful tools for opening conversations, although parents and professionals may need to help children make sense of the different ways death is portrayed (Arruda-Colli et al., 2017).

Talking With School-Age Children

School-age children often have a growing understanding that death is permanent, but their understanding may still be developing.

They may have very specific questions about what happens to the body, whether the person can still feel things, what happens at a funeral, or whether they themselves could die.

Rather than avoiding these questions, answer them as honestly as you can.

This is also an age when children may begin to think more deeply about fairness, responsibility, and cause and effect. If a child asks something that surprises you, try to resist the urge to shut down the conversation simply because the question is uncomfortable.

You can always say, “That's a really interesting question. Let me think about how to explain it.”

Talking With Preteens

Preteens often understand the permanence of death but may have more sophisticated questions about why death happens, whether it is fair, what happens after death, and what their own mortality means.

They may also be more aware of how other people respond to grief. They might worry about being different from their friends or feel embarrassed by their own emotions.

At this age, it can help to leave the door open rather than repeatedly insisting on a conversation.

Try saying, “You don't have to talk about this right now, but if you ever want to ask me something or tell me how you're feeling, I'm here.”

Talking With Teenagers

Teenagers generally have a more developed understanding of death, but that does not mean grief will be easier for them.

They may want to talk with friends rather than parents. They may spend more time alone, write, listen to music, play sports, use humour, or return to their usual activities. Some teenagers will want to talk openly, while others may need more privacy.

Respecting their independence does not mean disappearing.

A simple “I've been thinking about you. How are you doing with everything?” can be enough to keep the conversation open.

It is also important to pay attention to significant changes in functioning. Persistent withdrawal, major changes in sleep or appetite, difficulties at school, escalating substance use, severe anxiety, or expressions of hopelessness may warrant professional support.

You Do Not Have to Hide Your Own Grief

Parents sometimes feel pressure to remain strong for their children. While children certainly benefit from stability and reassurance, protecting them does not require pretending that you are unaffected.

It can actually be helpful for children to see that grief is something people can experience openly while still continuing to care for one another and participate in everyday life.

At the same time, children should not become responsible for looking after a grieving parent. It is important for adults to have their own sources of support, whether that is family, friends, a support group, or professional counselling.

When Should You Consider Grief Counselling for a Child?

Grief itself is not a mental health disorder, and not every grieving child needs therapy. Children and adolescents can experience intense sadness, anger, confusion, changes in behaviour, and difficulty concentrating without those reactions meaning that something is clinically wrong.

What matters is how the child is doing over time and whether their distress is interfering significantly with everyday life.

Professional support may be worth considering if a child remains intensely distressed for an extended period, becomes increasingly isolated, experiences persistent anxiety or depression, has significant difficulties at school or home, or seems unable to gradually adapt to life after the death.

There is also a condition called Prolonged Grief Disorder, which involves persistent, impairing grief symptoms. Research in children and adolescents is still developing, but a 2024 systematic review found that estimates of prolonged grief disorder in bereaved youth varied considerably across studies, with social support appearing to be an important protective factor (Falala et al., 2024).

Importantly, seeking counselling does not mean that you are trying to make your child “get over” the person who died. Therapy can provide a safe place to understand the loss, express difficult emotions, make sense of what happened, and find ways to continue living while carrying the relationship and memories forward.

Research on psychosocial interventions for bereaved children and adolescents is encouraging, although the evidence is still developing. A 2024 systematic review and meta-analysis of 39 studies involving more than 5,500 young people found that interventions may reduce grief symptoms, particularly among youth experiencing elevated distress, while also noting important limitations in the quality and consistency of the existing research (Hanauer et al., 2024).

Talking About Death Is an Ongoing Conversation

There is no single conversation that will teach a child everything they need to know about death.

Children may understand one part of the loss today and another part months or years later. A birthday, holiday, graduation, new family event, or developmental milestone can bring new questions about the person who died.

You may find yourself answering questions you thought you had already answered. That is okay.

You are not failing if your child continues to grieve. You are not failing if you do not know exactly what to say. And you do not have to make the loss disappear.

Your role is to stay present, answer honestly when you can, acknowledge what you do not know, provide reassurance where it is possible, and let your child know that difficult conversations remain welcome.

Grief Counselling for Children and Families in London, Ontario

At Authentic Living London, we understand that when a child is grieving, the whole family can be affected.

Our therapists provide compassionate grief counselling for children, teens, and adults in London, Ontario, with both in-person and virtual options available. Therapy can offer children a space to express feelings that may be difficult to share at home, while also giving parents and caregivers guidance around supporting their child through the grieving process.

If you are unsure how to talk to your child about death, are concerned about how they are coping, or simply want support navigating a difficult loss as a family, you do not have to figure it out alone.

Contact Authentic Living London at 226-224-0301 or info@authenticlivinglondon.com to learn more about grief counselling in London, Ontario.

Gabrielle Ferguson, RP, BA, MACP providing is the founder of Authentic Living London and specializes in grief therapy as well as existential issues and anxiety related issues, such as people pleasing.

References

Alvis, L., Zhang, N., Sandler, I. N., & Kaplow, J. B. (2022). Developmental manifestations of grief in children and adolescents: Caregivers as key grief facilitators. Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma, 16(2), 447–457. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40653-021-00435-0

Arruda-Colli, M. N. F., Weaver, M., & Wiener, L. (2017). Communication about dying, death, and bereavement: A systematic review of children's literature. Journal of Palliative Medicine, 20(5), 548–559. https://doi.org/10.1089/jpm.2016.0494

Falala, A., Lannes, A., Bui, E., & Revet, A. (2024). Prevalence of prolonged grief disorder in bereaved children and adolescents: A systematic review. L'Encéphale, 50(5), 557–565. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.encep.2023.11.016

Fry, Z. D., Mendrek, A., Gieg, L., Léger-Goodes, T., Lefrançois, D., Smith, J., Maltais, N., Geoffroy, M.-C., Éthier, M.-A., & Malboeuf-Hurtubise, C. (2026). How do children think about death? A narrative review of historical and recent developmental perspectives examining children's understanding of death. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/13591045261430553

Hanauer, C., Telaar, B., Rosner, R., & Doering, B. K. (2024). The efficacy of psychosocial interventions for grief symptoms in bereaved children and adolescents: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders, 350, 164–173. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2024.01.063

Rosengren, K. S., Miller, P. J., Gutierrez, I. T., & Schein, S. S. (2020). Children's emerging understanding of death. Child Development Perspectives, 14(1), 55–60. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12357