STUGs: Understanding Sudden Temporary Upsurges of Grief

Have you ever been having an ordinary day when something suddenly changes?

A song comes on in the car. You catch a familiar scent. You see a photograph. You walk past a place you used to visit together.

And suddenly, the grief is there.

Your chest feels heavy. Your eyes fill with tears. You may find yourself longing for the person who died with an intensity you haven't felt in months.

You might even wonder, “Why am I feeling this way again? I thought I was doing better.”

If this has happened to you, you are not alone.

These sudden waves or upsurges of grief are sometimes referred to as STUGs, which stands for Sudden Temporary Upsurge of Grief. The term has been used in grief literature to describe periods when grief becomes noticeably more intense, often in response to a reminder of the person who died.

Recent research supports the broader idea that grief reactions can fluctuate rather than steadily decline. A 2024 experience-sampling study found that grief-related reactions varied considerably within individuals across everyday life, providing preliminary empirical support for the idea that grief can come in waves. The researchers also emphasized that this area is still developing and that larger studies are needed (Lenferink et al., 2024).

So if grief suddenly hits you after a period of feeling relatively steady, it does not necessarily mean that you are back at the beginning.

What Is a STUG?

A STUG is a sudden increase in grief-related emotion that can feel surprisingly powerful.

It might involve:

• a sudden rush of sadness or longing

• crying that seems to come out of nowhere

• a strong sense of missing the person who died

• feeling emotionally overwhelmed for a period of time

• physical sensations such as heaviness, tightness, or a feeling of being emotionally drained

Sometimes there is an obvious trigger. Other times, you may have no idea what brought the grief to the surface.

Importantly, research on grief triggers is still relatively limited. A 2021 scoping review found that surprisingly few empirical studies had specifically examined grief triggers, despite how commonly they are described by bereaved people (Wilson et al., 2021).

That means we should be careful about assuming that every sudden wave of grief has an identifiable cause.

Sometimes you simply notice that the wave has arrived.

What Can Trigger a Wave of Grief?

Grief triggers can be deeply personal.

A familiar song might remind you of someone you loved. A particular food might bring back memories of family dinners. You might find an old text message, see someone's birthday on the calendar, or realize that an important milestone is approaching.

Some reminders are obvious:

Anniversaries and milestones. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, graduations, retirement, or other significant life events can make someone's absence particularly noticeable.

Sensory reminders. A smell, sound, photograph, piece of clothing, location, or favourite food can unexpectedly bring memories to the surface.

Everyday experiences. Sometimes the trigger is simply doing something you used to do together. The absence becomes noticeable because the person isn't there to share it.

Positive experiences. Even happiness can sometimes trigger grief. You may instinctively want to tell the person about something wonderful that happened, only to remember that you cannot.

Interestingly, research with bereaved Canadian adults found that even humour could sometimes act as a grief trigger. Participants described moments when laughing or hearing something funny reminded them of the person who died, while humour could also provide a way of living alongside grief (Wilson et al., 2022).

Grief triggers are highly individual. What brings comfort to one person may bring sadness to another.

Why Does Grief Suddenly Feel So Intense?

It can be tempting to think of grief as something that should steadily become less intense until it eventually disappears.

Real life is often more complicated.

Over time, many people find that their overall grief becomes less consuming, while particular reminders can still bring strong emotions to the surface. A 2024 study examining grief reactions repeatedly throughout people's daily lives found measurable fluctuations in grief-related symptoms, even among people whose losses had occurred years earlier (Lenferink et al., 2024).

This doesn't mean that everyone experiences grief in waves, nor does it mean that every intense reaction is a STUG. It simply provides emerging evidence for something many bereaved people already recognize: grief is not necessarily experienced at the same intensity from one moment to the next.

Your emotional response can change depending on what is happening around you, what you are remembering, and what else is happening in your life.

Does a STUG Mean You're Going Backwards?

Not necessarily.

One of the hardest parts of an unexpected grief wave can be the interpretation that comes with it.

You might think:

“I was doing so well.”

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“Why am I crying about this again?”

“I thought I had moved forward.”

But feeling grief again does not erase the ways you have adapted since the loss.

You can be functioning well and still miss someone terribly.

You can have a wonderful day and end it in tears.

You can laugh, make plans, enjoy relationships, and still feel the absence of someone you love.

These experiences can coexist.

Research on continuing bonds also suggests that maintaining an emotional connection with someone who has died can take many forms. Memories, relationships with possessions, rituals, identity, and a sense of ongoing connection can all play a role in how people make sense of bereavement. The effects are not universally positive or negative, however, and continuing bonds can sometimes bring both comfort and distress (Hewson et al., 2024).

So rather than asking whether you are “over” your grief, it may be more helpful to recognize that your relationship with the loss can change over time.

What Can You Do When a Wave of Grief Hits?

When grief arrives unexpectedly, your first instinct may be to push it away.

Sometimes, however, trying to immediately get rid of the feeling can make the experience more difficult. If you are somewhere safe and have the opportunity, you might simply pause and acknowledge what is happening.

You could take a few slow breaths and notice what you are feeling. You might remind yourself, “This is a painful moment. I can give myself some time.”

If you need to cry, you can cry.

If you need to step outside, call someone, or take a quiet moment, you can do that too.

And if you are at work, driving, caring for children, or dealing with another responsibility, you may simply need to get through the moment and return to the feeling later.

There is no single correct response.

Some people find it helpful to talk with someone they trust. Others may want to write, look at photographs, visit a meaningful place, listen to music, or engage in a personal ritual. What matters is finding ways of responding that feel supportive rather than judging yourself for having the emotion in the first place.

When Is It Time to Seek Grief Counselling?

Experiencing waves of grief does not automatically mean that something is wrong.

Grief can remain painful even as someone gradually adapts to life after a death.

At the same time, some people experience grief that remains intensely distressing or significantly interferes with their ability to function. Prolonged Grief Disorder is a recognized clinical condition involving persistent, intense grief symptoms and significant impairment. It is different from experiencing an occasional difficult day or a sudden reminder of someone who has died.

If grief feels increasingly unmanageable, if you feel persistently stuck, or if you are struggling to function in your relationships, work, or daily life, talking with a qualified mental health professional can be worthwhile. Psychological interventions can be helpful for people experiencing significant or persistent grief-related difficulties (Johannsen et al., 2019).

You Haven't Failed Because You Miss Them

Perhaps the most important thing to remember about sudden grief is that an emotional wave does not erase everything that came before it.

You may have spent months rebuilding routines, returning to work, reconnecting with friends, or finding moments of genuine happiness.

Then a song plays.

For a few minutes, you miss them terribly.

That moment does not mean you have failed.

It means something reminded you of someone who mattered.

Grief can be unpredictable. It can be quiet for a while and then suddenly demand your attention. Over time, the waves may change in intensity, frequency, or meaning, but there is no universal timetable for how that process unfolds.

Grief Counselling in London, Ontario

At Authentic Living London, we understand that grief can be complicated, unpredictable, and deeply personal. Grief counselling can provide a place to talk about the loss, understand what you are experiencing, and find ways to navigate the moments when grief feels particularly intense.

You do not need to wait until grief becomes unbearable before asking for support.

If you are looking for grief counselling in London, Ontario, or searching for a grief therapist near you, our therapists can provide a compassionate space to explore what you are experiencing and find ways to move through it at your own pace.

Author Gabrielle Ferguson, BA, MACP, is a registered psychotherapist who specializes in therapy for grief, perfectionism/people pleasing and religious trauma. She also provides grief literacy workshops and keynote talks.

References

Hewson, H., Galbraith, N., Jones, C., & Heath, G. (2024). The impact of continuing bonds following bereavement: A systematic review. Death Studies, 48(10), 1001–1014. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2023.2223593

Johannsen, M., Damholdt, M. F., Zachariae, R., Lundorff, M., Farver-Vestergaard, I., & O’Connor, M. (2019). Psychological interventions for grief in adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. Journal of Affective Disorders, 253, 69–86. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2019.04.065

Lenferink, L. I. M., Terbrack, E., van Eersel, J. H. W., Zuidersma, M., Franzen, M., & Riese, H. (2024). Fluctuations of prolonged grief disorder reactions in the daily life of bereaved people: An experience sampling study. Current Psychology, 43, 35821–35832. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-024-06987-2

Wilson, D. M., Underwood, L., & Errasti-Ibarrondo, B. (2021). A scoping research literature review to map the evidence on grief triggers. Social Science & Medicine, 282, 114109. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2021.114109

Wilson, D. M., Knox, M., Banamwana, G., Brown, C. A., & Errasti-Ibarrondo, B. (2022). Humor: A grief trigger and also a way to manage or live with your grief. OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying, 89(2), 623–642. https://doi.org/10.1177/00302228221075276