Navigating Grief on Mother’s Day: Honouring Love, Loss, and Everything In Between

Mother’s Day is widely associated with joy, gratitude, and connection. It is a day of brunches, handmade cards, flowers, family photographs, and messages celebrating the women who have shaped our lives.

For many people, these traditions are meaningful and comforting. But for others, Mother’s Day can bring an entirely different experience.

If you have lost your mother, you may feel the absence of someone whose presence was woven into your everyday life. If you have lost a child, experienced pregnancy or infant loss, or longed for a child you were unable to have, the day can bring painful reminders of what is missing. And if your relationship with your mother was complicated, abusive, distant, or estranged, Mother’s Day may bring emotions that are difficult to put into words.

At Authentic Living London, we understand that Mother’s Day is not necessarily a day of uncomplicated celebration. Sometimes, a holiday can bring grief to the surface precisely because it carries so many expectations about how we are supposed to feel.

If Mother’s Day is difficult for you, there is nothing wrong with you. Your experience simply doesn't fit the picture that advertising and social expectations often present.

The Many Forms of Mother’s Day Grief

Grief surrounding Mother’s Day can take many forms, and not all of them involve the death of a loved one.

For someone who has lost their mother or another important mother-figure, the day may bring an especially vivid awareness of absence. You might find yourself missing her voice, advice, humour, cooking, traditions, or the simple knowledge that you could pick up the phone and call her.

Research has consistently shown that grief can be influenced by the nature of the relationship with the person who died, as well as by circumstances surrounding the loss. Anniversaries, holidays, and other meaningful dates can also reactivate memories and emotions associated with the person who has died (Lobb et al., 2010; Eisma et al., 2021).

For mothers who have lost a child, Mother's Day can be particularly painful. Pregnancy loss, stillbirth, infant death, and the death of an older child can all create profound grief. The loss may also be difficult to talk about because people around the grieving parent may not know what to say or may become uncomfortable with the subject.

Pregnancy loss can be associated with significant grief, anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress symptoms, particularly when the loss is not adequately acknowledged or supported (Farren et al., 2021). The emotional impact can extend well beyond the immediate period following the loss.

Mother’s Day can also be difficult for people experiencing infertility or who had hoped to become parents but were unable to do so. The day can make an already painful experience feel particularly visible.

Research into infertility-related distress has found that infertility can affect emotional wellbeing, relationships, identity, and social functioning, although individual experiences vary considerably (Rooney & Domar, 2018).

And then there are the complicated mother-child relationships.

Not everyone experiences their mother as a source of safety, unconditional love, or support. Some people grew up with abuse, neglect, addiction, emotional instability, or other painful family experiences. Others have chosen estrangement because maintaining contact was harmful.

For these individuals, Mother's Day may bring grief for a relationship that was lost, a relationship that never existed in the hoped-for way, or a relationship that remains painfully complicated.

You may feel sadness and anger.

You may feel longing and relief.

You may love someone and still need distance from them.

These experiences can coexist.

When a Holiday Brings Grief to the Surface

Holidays can be emotionally powerful because they are attached to memories, traditions, relationships, and expectations.

Mother’s Day also comes with a particularly strong cultural message about what the day is supposed to look like. Advertisements, social media posts, family gatherings, and conversations can create an atmosphere in which motherhood is presented as universally joyful and uncomplicated.

When your own experience doesn't match that picture, the contrast can be painful.

Research on grief and significant dates suggests that reminders connected to anniversaries and other meaningful occasions can temporarily increase grief-related distress for some people. These reactions do not necessarily mean that someone is “going backwards” in their grieving process. They can be a natural response to a meaningful reminder (Eisma et al., 2021).

You may feel fine for weeks and then find yourself unexpectedly emotional when you see a Mother's Day advertisement in a store.

You may hear a particular song and suddenly think of your mother.

You may see other families celebrating and feel happy for them while simultaneously feeling heartbroken for yourself.

You may even be surprised by how strongly you react when you thought you had already “dealt with” your grief.

That does not mean you have failed to heal.

It means the relationship mattered.

When Grief Isn't Fully Recognized

Some forms of grief receive more social recognition than others.

When someone loses a spouse or parent, people generally understand why they are grieving. Other losses can be harder for society to recognize, particularly when there is no culturally established ritual or when the relationship itself was complicated.

This is part of what researchers and clinicians have described through the concept of disenfranchised grief. It refers broadly to grief that is not adequately recognized, supported, or socially validated.

People experiencing disenfranchised grief may feel that they don't have permission to mourn openly, or that others expect them to move on quickly.

This can happen after pregnancy loss, infertility, the death of someone with whom the relationship was complicated, or other losses that may not receive the same social acknowledgment as more traditionally recognized bereavements.

When grief isn't acknowledged, people may feel isolated on top of the loss itself.

Mother’s Day can intensify that experience because the cultural conversation is so heavily focused on celebration.

You may find yourself wondering whether you are “allowed” to feel sad.

You are.

You Don't Have to Celebrate the Way Everyone Else Does

There is no requirement to experience Mother's Day in a particular way.

If attending brunch with your extended family feels comforting, go.

If it feels overwhelming, you can decline.

If you want to spend the day quietly, that is okay too.

Some people find comfort in visiting a meaningful place, looking through photographs, cooking a family recipe, or lighting a candle in remembrance. Others prefer not to mark the day at all.

There is no universally correct way to navigate a difficult anniversary or holiday.

Research into self-compassion and psychological wellbeing suggests that responding to ourselves with understanding rather than harsh self-judgment can be associated with better emotional adjustment (Ferrari et al., 2019).

So instead of asking yourself, “Why am I still struggling with this?” you might try asking:

“What would make today a little gentler for me?”

That question leaves room for your actual experience.

Give Yourself Permission to Set Boundaries

Mother’s Day may involve invitations, family expectations, social media, phone calls, and conversations that you are not emotionally prepared for.

You are allowed to decide what you can handle.

You might tell your family that you aren't up for a large gathering this year. You might make a plan with one person you trust rather than spending the day in a crowded room. You might decide not to look at social media for a while.

You don't have to explain every decision.

A simple “I'm taking a quiet day this year” can be enough.

Setting boundaries is not the same as shutting people out. Sometimes boundaries give you the space you need to move through a difficult experience without becoming overwhelmed.

Be Careful With Comparison

Social media can make Mother's Day particularly difficult because we are exposed to carefully selected images of other people's lives.

You may see photographs of enormous bouquets, happy families, perfect breakfasts, and heartfelt tributes.

What you don't see is everything outside the frame.

You don't know what that family has experienced. You don't know whether the photograph represents their everyday reality. And you certainly don't need to compare your grief to someone else's celebration.

If social media makes the day harder, step away.

You don't need to prove that you can handle it.

Let the Day Be What It Is

One of the most important things you can give yourself on Mother's Day is permission to experience the day without forcing it into a particular emotional category.

You might laugh in the morning and cry in the afternoon.

You might feel grateful for the mother you had and devastated that she is gone.

You might miss someone terribly and still enjoy dinner with friends.

You might feel sadness about not becoming a parent while also feeling fulfilled in other areas of your life.

You might feel relief about an estranged relationship and then feel guilty for experiencing that relief.

None of these feelings has to cancel out another.

Grief is not a straight line toward feeling better. Contemporary research increasingly understands grief as a process in which people move between confronting the loss and engaging with the ongoing demands of life (Eisma et al., 2021).

There may be days when the loss is at the centre of your experience and days when it moves further into the background.

Both are part of being human.

Creating Your Own Meaning

Sometimes it can help to take an occasion that was designed for celebration and create your own meaning around it.

You might honour your mother by making something she used to cook. You might visit a place that reminds you of her. You might write down the things you wish you could still tell her.

If you have lost a child, you might choose a private ritual that acknowledges their place in your life. Some parents find meaning in lighting a candle, visiting a meaningful place, keeping photographs or mementos close, or simply speaking their child's name.

If motherhood has been painful because of infertility or pregnancy loss, you might choose to spend the day with someone who understands rather than participating in traditional Mother's Day celebrations.

And if your relationship with your mother was harmful or estranged, creating distance may itself be an important form of self-care.

You don't have to honour a relationship in a way that violates your own boundaries.

When Grief Feels Too Heavy

Grief is not something that needs to be “fixed,” and difficult feelings around Mother's Day do not automatically mean that you need therapy.

But sometimes grief becomes difficult to carry without additional support.

You may find that your distress is interfering significantly with your relationships, work, sleep, or ability to manage everyday responsibilities. You may feel persistently hopeless, increasingly isolated, or unable to reconnect with meaningful parts of your life.

For some people, grief can become prolonged and significantly impair functioning. Research into prolonged grief disorder has helped distinguish intense but expected grief reactions from persistent, disabling grief that may benefit from specialized treatment (Prigerson et al., 2021).

If you are experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or feel unable to stay safe, please seek immediate professional or emergency support.

You don't have to wait until your grief reaches a crisis point before asking for help.

You Are Not Alone

Mother's Day can bring complicated feelings to the surface because motherhood itself can represent so many different things: love, longing, connection, loss, identity, family, disappointment, safety, or pain.

There is no single way you are supposed to feel.

Maybe you are missing your mother.

Maybe you are grieving a child.

Maybe you are carrying the pain of infertility or pregnancy loss.

Maybe you are mourning a relationship you never had.

Maybe you are navigating an estrangement that was necessary but still painful.

Or perhaps you are simply surprised by how much this particular Sunday affects you.

Whatever your experience, you don't have to force yourself into someone else's version of Mother's Day.

At Authentic Living London, we provide a compassionate, non-judgmental space for people navigating grief, loss, complicated family relationships, and major life transitions. Therapy can offer a place where you don't have to make your feelings easier for anyone else to understand.

You can bring the love or anger. You can bring the sadness, confusion, relief, guilt, or longing.

You can bring all of it.

This Mother's Day, if the day feels difficult, try to meet yourself with the same compassion you would offer someone you love.

Your grief does not mean that you are broken. It means that something mattered. You do not have to carry that grief alone.

If you would like support navigating grief or complicated emotions around Mother's Day, contact Authentic Living London at 226-224-0301 or info@authenticlivinglondon.com to schedule a consultation.

This article is intended for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for individualized medical or psychological care. Grief experiences vary considerably from person to person. If you are experiencing severe distress, thoughts of self-harm, or difficulty staying safe, seek immediate professional or emergency support.

References

Eisma, M. C., Boelen, P. A., & Lenferink, L. I. M. (2021). Prolonged grief disorder following the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic. Psychiatry Research, 288, 113031. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2020.113031

Farren, J., Jalmbrant, M., Ameye, L., Joash, K., Mitchell-Jones, N., Tapp, S., & Bourne, T. (2021). Post-traumatic stress, anxiety and depression following miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy: A prospective cohort study. BMJ Open, 11(1), e044114. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2020-044114

Ferrari, M., Hunt, C., Harrysunker, A., Abbott, M. J., Beath, A. P., & Einstein, D. A. (2019). Self-compassion interventions and psychosocial outcomes: A meta-analysis of RCTs. Mindfulness, 10, 1455–1473. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01134-6

Lobb, E. A., Kristjanson, L. J., Aoun, S. M., Monterosso, L., Halkett, G. K. B., & Davies, A. (2010). Predictors of complicated grief: A systematic review of empirical studies. Death Studies, 34(8), 673–698. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2010.496686

Prigerson, H. G., Kakarala, S., Gang, J., & Maciejewski, P. K. (2021). History and status of the development of prolonged grief disorder as a psychiatric diagnosis. World Psychiatry, 20(2), 161–162. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20822

Rooney, K. L., & Domar, A. D. (2018). The relationship between stress and infertility. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 20(1), 41–47. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2018.20.1/klrooney