Letting Go, Holding On: A Gentle Guide to Releasing a Loved One’s Belongings

When someone you love dies, their belongings can suddenly feel like much more than things.

A sweater may still carry their familiar scent. A coffee mug may remind you of the mornings you shared. A handwritten recipe card may bring their voice, personality, or presence vividly back to mind. Even ordinary objects can become deeply meaningful because they are connected to someone whose absence now fills your life.

That can make deciding what to keep and what to let go of incredibly difficult.

You may find yourself wondering, How could I possibly give this away? Or perhaps you feel ready to clear some things out and then experience guilt for feeling that way. You might want to keep almost everything, while another family member is eager to donate it all. There may be practical decisions that simply cannot wait, even when emotionally you are not ready to make them.

There is no universal timeline for sorting through a loved one's belongings, and there is no rule that says keeping something means you are stuck in your grief or that giving something away means you are moving on too quickly. Research on bereavement and continuing bonds suggests that people can maintain meaningful connections with someone who has died in many different ways, including through memories, objects, rituals, and other reminders. These connections can provide comfort, although reminders can also sometimes bring distress. What helps one person may not feel right for another (Hewson et al., 2024).

The goal is not to get rid of your loved one's belongings. The goal is to find a way of living with their absence that feels manageable and meaningful for you.

Give Yourself Permission to Take Your Time

Grief does not come with a schedule.

Some people need to leave a loved one's room untouched for months because entering it feels too painful. Others find that organizing belongings gives them something concrete to do during an overwhelming period. Neither response necessarily tells you anything about how much you loved the person or how well you are grieving.

If there is no practical reason to make decisions immediately, you can give yourself some time. You might begin with something small when you feel ready rather than attempting to sort an entire home in one exhausting weekend.

A drawer, a shelf, or a single box may be enough for one day.

And sometimes there are practical circumstances that require decisions sooner, such as moving, selling a home, or dealing with limited storage. In those situations, it can help to separate the emotional decisions from the logistical ones wherever possible. You may need to pack things without deciding their final destination yet.

You Do Not Have to Keep Everything to Keep the Connection

One of the hardest parts of sorting belongings can be the fear that letting something go means losing another piece of the person.

But your relationship with someone who has died is not contained entirely within their possessions.

You may decide to keep the watch they wore every day, a favourite book filled with their notes, a piece of jewellery, photographs, or a handwritten letter. Another person might find meaning in keeping their loved one's gardening tools, artwork, music collection, or favourite chair.

What matters is the meaning the object holds for you, not its monetary value.

At the same time, you may discover that some belongings no longer feel meaningful. That is okay too. You can love someone deeply without needing to preserve every object they ever owned.

What If You Cannot Decide?

You do not have to make every decision permanent.

A "maybe later" box can be surprisingly helpful. If you are unsure about something, put it aside rather than forcing yourself to decide. Give yourself permission to revisit it months from now, or even later.

Sometimes the passage of time changes the emotional weight of an object. Something that felt impossible to part with immediately after the death may eventually feel like something you can release. Other items may become even more precious.

There is nothing wrong with either outcome.

You can also take photographs of items you are considering giving away. For some people, having a visual record provides a sense of reassurance without requiring them to keep the physical object.

Find Ways to Carry Their Memory Forward

Letting go of a possession does not have to mean letting go of the memory associated with it.

A favourite piece of clothing might become part of a quilt. A handwritten recipe might be copied and shared with family members. Photographs can be collected into an album. A piece of furniture might find a place in your home where it can continue to be part of everyday life.

Sometimes the most meaningful way of honouring someone is not preserving an object but telling the story connected to it.

Research on continuing bonds describes the many ways bereaved people maintain an inner relationship with someone who has died. Memories, objects, rituals, conversations, photographs, and other reminders can all become part of that ongoing connection, although their impact varies from person to person (Hewson et al., 2024).

You might find yourself saying, "Dad always used this mug," or laughing about the story behind an old photograph. Those moments can become part of how a person's life continues to have meaning within a family.

Be Gentle With the Emotions That Come Up

Sorting through belongings can be surprisingly emotional.

You might cry over something you had forgotten existed. You might feel anger, guilt, tenderness, relief, numbness, or even laughter. You might experience several of these emotions within the same afternoon.

None of that means you are grieving incorrectly.

Grief can involve changing and sometimes conflicting emotions, and reminders of the person who died can bring those feelings to the surface. If you notice yourself becoming overwhelmed, there is nothing wrong with stopping and coming back to it another day.

Having someone you trust nearby can also make the process easier. Sometimes it helps simply to have another person sitting beside you while you sort. They can listen to the stories behind the objects, help with practical decisions, or simply provide company when the emotions become heavy.

Be Aware That Family Members May Grieve Differently

One of the most difficult parts of dealing with belongings can be discovering that other family members have very different ideas about what should happen to them.

One person may want to keep everything. Another may want to donate most of it. Someone may desperately want a particular item that means little to you, while you feel deeply attached to something they see as ordinary.

These differences do not necessarily mean that one person loved the deceased more.

People have different relationships with the person who died, different memories, different coping styles, and different practical circumstances. It can help to talk openly about why particular belongings matter before making decisions, especially when the items have sentimental significance to more than one person.

Sometimes sharing the stories behind possessions can make decisions feel less like a competition over objects and more like a way of recognizing the life of the person you all lost.

Keeping Something Is Not a Failure to Heal

There is a persistent idea that healthy grief means eventually "letting go." Contemporary grief research paints a more complicated picture.

People can continue to feel connected to someone who has died while also adapting to life without them. The evidence on continuing bonds does not suggest that maintaining a connection is always helpful or always harmful. Its impact appears to depend on the person, the relationship, and how the connection is experienced (Hewson et al., 2024).

You might continue wearing your mother's necklace for the rest of your life. You might eventually pack away your husband's clothes. You might keep your child's artwork on the wall for decades. You might move to a new home and take only a few treasured belongings with you.

None of these choices can measure the depth of your love.

The belongings are reminders of a relationship. They are not the relationship itself.

When Belongings Become Especially Difficult

For some people, sorting through belongings can bring up much more than sadness. Objects may be connected to traumatic memories, unresolved conflict, guilt about the circumstances of the death, or a complicated relationship with the person who died.

You may also feel unable to enter a particular room, experience intense distress whenever you encounter certain possessions, or find that grief is interfering significantly with your ability to function.

That does not mean you are doing grief wrong. It may simply mean that there is more happening than the practical task of deciding what to keep.

Psychological interventions can be helpful for people experiencing significant grief difficulties, particularly when grief becomes persistent and substantially interferes with daily life (Johannsen et al., 2019). More recent research also supports grief-focused psychological treatments for people experiencing prolonged grief symptoms (Komischke-Konnerup et al., 2024; Pleshka et al., 2025).

You Do Not Have to Make These Decisions Alone

Sometimes the question of what to do with a loved one's belongings is really a question about how to live with the reality that they are gone.

There may be sadness, guilt, anger, unfinished conversations, family disagreements, or simply the overwhelming task of figuring out what life looks like now.

Grief counselling can provide a place to talk through those experiences without pressure to grieve in a particular way. A therapist can help you explore what you are feeling, understand difficult reactions, and consider decisions about belongings at a pace that respects your circumstances.

At Authentic Living London, we understand that grief is deeply personal. Our grief-trained therapists can offer compassionate support as you navigate the emotional and practical realities of loss.

You do not have to decide everything today. You do not have to throw things away to prove that you are healing. And you do not have to keep everything to prove that you loved someone.

There is room for both remembering and continuing to live.

If you are looking for grief counselling in London, Ontario, Authentic Living London offers in-person counselling in London as well as virtual appointments across Ontario.

Gabrielle Ferguson, RP, BA, MACP is the founder of Authentic Living London and provides virtual psychotherapy to individuals 18+. She specializes in grief, existential issues, religious trauma and people pleasing/perfectionism. She also provides keynote speaking and workshops on grief.

References

Hewson, H., Galbraith, N., Jones, C., & Heath, G. (2024). The impact of continuing bonds following bereavement: A systematic review. Death Studies, 48(10), 1001–1014. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2023.2223593

Johannsen, M., Damholdt, M. F., Zachariae, R., Lundorff, M., Farver-Vestergaard, I., & O'Connor, M. (2019). Psychological interventions for grief in adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. Journal of Affective Disorders, 253, 69–86. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2019.04.065

Komischke-Konnerup, K. B., Zachariae, R., Boelen, P. A., Marello, M. M., & O'Connor, M. (2024). Grief-focused cognitive behavioral therapies for prolonged grief symptoms: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 92(4), 236–248. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000884

Pleshka, A., Crawford, S., Wellsby, M., Bahji, A., O'Connor, C., Trieu, J., Beck, A., Faqiri, M., & Devoe, D. (2025). Treatments for prolonged grief disorder: A systematic review and network meta-analysis. OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/00302228251364716