How to Know If You've Found a Good Therapist

Starting therapy can take courage. You may have spent weeks, months, or even years thinking about reaching out before finally making that first appointment. Then, once you begin, another question can arise: How do I know if this therapist is actually right for me?

It is normal to feel uncertain at first. Therapy can be uncomfortable at times, particularly when you are talking about painful experiences, changing long-standing patterns, or looking at parts of yourself that you would rather avoid. Feeling challenged does not automatically mean something is wrong.

At the same time, therapy should not leave you feeling consistently dismissed, judged, confused about your therapist's role, or afraid to speak honestly.

So what does a healthy therapeutic relationship actually look like?

A Good Therapist Makes You Feel Heard

One of the foundations of effective therapy is the therapeutic alliance, which refers to the working relationship between therapist and client. Research consistently finds an association between the quality of this relationship and treatment outcomes across different forms of psychotherapy (Saxler et al., 2024).

Being heard does not simply mean that your therapist remains silent while you talk. It means they are genuinely trying to understand your experience, remember what matters to you, and work with you rather than simply telling you what to do.

You should have room to disagree with your therapist, ask questions, clarify something they have said, or tell them when their interpretation does not feel right.

A good therapist does not need to agree with everything you say. They do need to take your perspective seriously.

You Feel Safe Enough to Be Honest

Therapy involves vulnerability, and you cannot do meaningful work if you constantly feel that you have to protect yourself from your therapist's reaction.

A healthy therapeutic relationship allows you to talk about difficult thoughts, emotions, relationships, mistakes, fears, and behaviours without being shamed or belittled. Your therapist should approach you with curiosity and respect, even when they are helping you examine something that may be painful or difficult to acknowledge.

This does not mean therapy should always feel comfortable. In fact, some of the most useful conversations in therapy may feel challenging. The difference is that the challenge should happen within a relationship that feels respectful and psychologically safe.

A Good Therapist Can Challenge You Without Attacking You

A therapist who simply agrees with everything you say may feel comfortable, but that does not necessarily mean therapy is helping you grow.

Good therapy can involve gently questioning assumptions, identifying patterns, considering another perspective, or noticing when something you are doing may be keeping you stuck. The therapist's job is not simply to reassure you. It is to help you understand yourself and your situation more clearly.

The way that challenge is delivered matters.

You should be able to feel the difference between “Let's explore this together” and “You are the problem.”

A therapist can be honest with you while still treating you with compassion and respect.

Your Therapist Has Appropriate Boundaries

The therapeutic relationship is different from a friendship. Your therapist may care deeply about your wellbeing, but the relationship remains centred on your therapeutic needs.

Healthy professional boundaries help keep that focus clear. They include appropriate limits around communication, time, confidentiality, personal relationships, and the therapist's involvement in your life outside therapy.

That does not mean a good therapist can never share anything personal. Therapist self-disclosure can sometimes be useful when it is intentional and genuinely serves the client's work. Research suggests, however, that self-disclosure needs to be used thoughtfully, with the focus returning to the client rather than becoming an opportunity for the therapist to talk about themselves (Hill et al., 2018; Jeffery, 2026).

If you regularly find yourself listening to your therapist's personal stories, managing their emotions, or feeling as though you need to take care of them, that is a very different situation.

Your Therapist Has the Skills and Training to Help With Your Concerns

A warm personality matters, but warmth alone is not enough.

A good therapist should have appropriate training for the concerns they are treating and should be able to explain, in understandable language, how they believe therapy may help. Evidence suggests that therapist competence and treatment integrity are associated with better psychotherapy outcomes, although these effects are only one part of the larger picture (Kraus et al., 2022).

Therapists also continue learning throughout their careers. Professional development, consultation, and supervision can help therapists remain thoughtful about their practice, particularly when working with complex or specialized concerns.

You should not expect your therapist to know everything. A competent therapist should be willing to recognize when something falls outside their expertise and help you find appropriate additional support when necessary.

Your Therapist Pays Attention to Whether Therapy Is Actually Helping

Therapy does not have to produce dramatic changes every week. Progress can be gradual, and there may be periods when things feel harder before they feel better.

What matters is that you and your therapist are paying attention to what is happening.

Are you moving toward the goals you came to therapy for? Are you developing a better understanding of yourself? Are you noticing changes in the way you cope, communicate, make decisions, or respond to difficult situations?

A good therapist should not simply continue doing the same thing indefinitely without considering whether it is working.

Research on progress monitoring suggests that routinely checking how clients are responding to treatment and sharing that information with therapists can improve outcomes, particularly for people who may otherwise be at risk of a poor response (de Jong et al., 2021; Lambert et al., 2018).

That is one reason it is perfectly reasonable for your therapist to ask questions such as, “Is this approach helping?” or “What would you like to be different?”

You Feel Comfortable Giving Your Therapist Feedback

This may be one of the most important signs of a healthy therapeutic relationship.

Therapy is collaborative. Your therapist cannot see everything from their side of the room, and sometimes they will misunderstand you, use an approach that does not resonate, or say something that lands differently than they intended.

Being able to say, “That didn't feel right,” “I don't think you understood what I meant,” or “I would like to try something different” gives the therapist an opportunity to understand you better.

A therapist who responds with curiosity and openness can use that conversation to strengthen the work.

In fact, disagreements or moments of disconnection do not necessarily mean therapy is failing. What matters is how those moments are handled.

You Do Not Have to Love Every Session

It is worth saying this because it can be confusing when you are new to therapy: a good therapist does not necessarily make you feel good all the time.

You may leave some sessions feeling relieved. Other times you may feel thoughtful, emotionally tired, frustrated, or unsettled because you have been talking about something difficult.

Therapy is not entertainment, and discomfort is not automatically a warning sign.

Instead of asking yourself, “Did I feel good after this session?”, it may be more useful to ask, “Did I feel respected? Did I feel heard? Did we work on something that mattered to me? Do I understand myself a little differently?”

Over time, those questions can give you a much clearer sense of whether therapy is working for you.

When Might It Be Time to Find a Different Therapist?

Sometimes the issue is not that the therapist is a bad therapist. They may simply not be the right therapist for you.

Different people respond to different personalities, communication styles, therapeutic approaches, and areas of expertise. You may need someone more structured, more exploratory, more direct, more gentle, or more experienced with a particular concern.

There are also situations that go beyond a simple difference in personality.

It is worth taking your concerns seriously if you consistently feel judged or shamed, your therapist repeatedly interrupts or dismisses you, sessions regularly become focused on the therapist rather than your needs, or your concerns are minimized rather than explored. It is also concerning if your therapist makes unrealistic promises about how quickly you will recover, repeatedly ignores your boundaries, or becomes defensive when you raise reasonable concerns.

You should also pay attention if you feel emotionally or physically unsafe.

Professional therapy involves clear boundaries and ethical responsibilities. Recent research continues to emphasize that boundaries are an important part of safe and effective psychotherapy, even though the appropriate boundaries can sometimes require thoughtful clinical judgment rather than rigid rules (Jeffery, 2026; Lawson et al., 2026).

Repeated cancellations, unexplained disruptions, or a lack of reliability may also affect your ability to build a productive therapeutic relationship.

And if you have been in therapy for a considerable period of time and feel that nothing is changing, it is reasonable to bring that up. Sometimes the answer is to change the treatment approach, clarify the goals, address something that has been getting in the way, or consider whether another therapist might be a better fit.

Changing Therapists Does Not Mean Therapy Failed

People sometimes stay with a therapist they know is not the right fit because they worry that leaving means they are giving up.

It does not.

Finding the right therapist can take some trial and error. Just because you and one therapist did not connect does not mean therapy cannot help you.

You are allowed to ask questions about your treatment. You are allowed to say when something is not working. You are allowed to decide that you would prefer a different therapeutic approach or a different therapist.

And sometimes, talking openly with your current therapist about these concerns can actually improve the therapeutic relationship.

The goal is not to find a therapist who tells you everything you want to hear. It is to find someone who can work collaboratively with you, challenge you appropriately, respect your boundaries, and bring the knowledge and skills needed to help you work toward meaningful change.

Finding the Right Therapist at Authentic Living London

At Authentic Living London, we believe that the relationship between therapist and client matters enormously. Research supports the importance of the therapeutic alliance, while also showing that positive therapy outcomes depend on more than the relationship alone (Saxler et al., 2024; Aafjes-van Doorn et al., 2024).

That is why we want you to feel comfortable asking questions and deciding whether a particular therapist feels like the right fit for you.

We offer free 15-minute phone or video consultations so you can meet with a therapist, briefly discuss what you are looking for, and get a sense of whether you feel comfortable moving forward. There is no expectation that you have to know exactly what kind of therapy you need before reaching out.

If you are looking for therapy in London, Ontario, we would be happy to help you find a therapist who has the experience, approach, and personality that fit your needs.

You can contact Authentic Living London at 226-224-0301 or info@authenticlivinglondon.com to learn more about our therapists and arrange a consultation.

Sandra Graham, BSc, MACP is a registered psychotherapist - qualifying who is certified in neuropsychology. She provides virtual and in-person psychotherapy to individuals, couples, and families at Authentic Living London.

References

Aafjes-van Doorn, K., Spina, D. S., Horne, S. J., & Békés, V. (2024). The association between quality of therapeutic alliance and treatment outcomes in teletherapy: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 110, 102430. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102430

de Jong, K., Conijn, J. M., Gallagher, R. A. V., Reshetnikova, A. S., Heij, M., & Lutz, M. C. (2021). Using progress feedback to improve outcomes and reduce drop-out, treatment duration, and deterioration: A multilevel meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 85, 102002. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2021.102002

Hill, C. E., Knox, S., & Pinto-Coelho, K. (2018). Therapist self-disclosure and immediacy: A qualitative meta-analysis. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 445–460. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000182

Jeffery, D. (2026). Therapist self-disclosure: A systematic review and brief person-centered framework for clinical practice and training. Frontiers in Psychology, 17, 1869955. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2026.1869955

Kraus, D. R., et al. (2022). Associations between treatment adherence-competence-integrity (ACI) and adult psychotherapy outcomes: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 90(5), 427–445. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000736

Lambert, M. J., Whipple, J. L., & Kleinstäuber, M. (2018). Collecting and delivering progress feedback: A meta-analysis of routine outcome monitoring. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 520–537. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000167

Lawson, J., Schröder, T., & Russell, K. (2026). How do therapists negotiate boundaries: A systematic literature review and meta-synthesis. Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10879-026-09750-9

Saxler, E., Schindler, T., Philipsen, A., Schulze, M., & Lux, S. (2024). Therapeutic alliance in individual adult psychotherapy: A systematic review of conceptualizations and measures for face-to-face- and online-psychotherapy. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, 1293851. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1293851